A holiday shopping guide for Fiorentina fans

Season’s greetings, dear reader. Don’t you love this time of year? The inescapable holiday music? The eye-jarring compositions starring Santa Claus? The impenetrable crowds at every single store? The singular panic of realizing you haven’t gotten anyone on your list a single gift yet?

Fear not, dear reader, for we have anticipated that final question. We have assembled a list of presents for every Fiorentina fan on your list that will doubtless make them giddy with joy.

1. Our special package containing two liters of gasoline, a lighter, and Federico Bernardeschi’s 33 shirt from Juventus. Great for kids! (Please do not purchase this for kids.

2. An official Fiorentina toothbrush holder. Seriously.

3. Another competent winger so we don’t have to see the squad rely on Cyril %&$#ing Théréau for creativity.

4. A few specific palms nicely greased so we can finally see the Mercafir stadium get started.

5. Booze of any variety; if you know a Viola fan, you know they’re going to need it in large quantities at some point in the season. Probably after losing 2-0 to effing Benevento or something.

6. Borja Valero.

7. A full-on James Bond villain for whom Stefano Pioli can serve as a henchman.

Photo by Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

C’mon, dude looks like the underboss who 007 has to dispose of after the first hour of the movie before going after the main bad guy.

8. Clown shoes by Tod’s. Or other clown shoes by Tod’s. Or other clown shoes by Tod’s. Or...well, you get the idea.

9. Did we mention a winger yet? Screw it, we’ll put it twice. Fiorentina fans deserve another wide attacker who isn’t a solipsistic Frenchman in his mid-thirties or a gaggle of dudes who are almost young enough to be his kids.

10. A lock of Carlos Sánchez’ hair. If you believe hard enough, it will make you as handsome as Carlos Sánchez.

Photo by Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

(Disclaimer: Nobody is as handsome as Carlos Sánchez.)

11. A reliable and stylish automatic vacuum cleaner for Vorwerk Folletto to clean their floors while they’re away. Now on sale for just €699! (This message totally not paid for by Vorwerk Folletto).

12. A kitty. Also great for non-Fiorentina fans. Basically, everyone should have kitties. If not kitties, then perhaps a tapir. Or a capybara.

13. Some playing time for Ianis Hagi.

14. Five more months of calcio. Yeah, we know that’s already on the docket, but tell them it was your idea.