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Chelsea want to pay a lot of money for Marcos Alonso

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I am so confused by everything which is contained in this model that we call the universe that I think I need to go lie down for a little while.

I have never seen a more representative photo.
I have never seen a more representative photo.
Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

We're all familiar with Marcos Alonso. A few of us tolerate him. Many of us hate him. Most of us think he's, eh, just fine. As a versatile defender who has some very obvious strengths and even more obvious weaknesses, he's the definition of a capable but forgettable squad player: occasional brilliance, occasional catastrophe, and a persistent failure to capture the hearts and minds of the fanbase. In short, he's not the sort of player you expect a mega-rich team to make a mega-rich bid for. And yet, here we are.

No, dear reader, it's not a fever dream. According to various media outlets in Italy and the UK, Chelsea have made a €25 million bid for Marcos #*&%ing Alonso. In fairness, Chelsea don't really have any leftbacks on the roster--Cesar Azpilicueta can fill in there, but that's pretty much it--and this late in the window, one has to make a big offer to pry a decent player away from a club. Alonso is also familiar with the Premier League after excelling for Bolton, and he is very handsome, but paying €25 million for him seems like a Bebe-level exercise in absurdity.

Oh, and while we're speaking of absurdity, here's another fun little nugget: Fiorentina may not let him go. That's right, a player who's routinely exposed in defense and can look helpless going forward apparently isn't worth approximately 0.9 Miralem Pjanices. Sure, it'd be tough to find a quality replacement this late in the window, and unproven veteran Hrvoje Milic is the only other leftback on the roster, but holding out for €30 million (the number Corvino's reportedly angling for) takes a heap of chutzpah. Sure, he looks this good in a highlight video, but, c'mon, it's Marcos.

For the record, Alonso has made 85 appearances for Fiorentina, notching 5 goals, 7 assists, 17 yellow cards, and a red card. 4 of those goals and 3 of those assists came last season, which was his finest in purple. As a hardworking, functional player who's a genuine threat at set pieces, you can see why Chelsea might want him and why the Viola would want to keep him. But when you look at the numbers being thrown around, this becomes less of a transfer rumor and more of a Samuel Beckett gag.