1. Lionel Messi actually ends up having to spend time in jail, meets Morgan Freeman, demonstrates the indomitability of the human spirit, digs a tunnel out of his cell, and reunites with Freeman on a beach in Mexico.
2. Sepp Blatter admits that yeah, he kind of turned FIFA into a Tammany Hall-type political machine for his own personal gain. To apologize, he releases all pertinent documents and returns all of the money, gems, and priceless artworks that he's been keeping in a vault in Vladimir Putin's basement that they like to swim in, Scrooge McDuck-style.
3. Paulo Sousa decides that, to improve his team's spirit ahead of games, Fiorentina will recreate the criminally underappreciated "Fiorentina Style" as they take the pitch.
4.Citing the importance of continuity, Maurizio Zamparini keeps Davide Ballardini as his manager for 3 full seasons before sacking him, kicking off a thoughtful search for a new manager who reflects the team's ideals, aspirations, and means.
5. The Della Valles sell Fiorentina to a new mystery buyer who promises significant investment in a quest for Champions League relevancy. He's eventually revealed to be Vittorio Cecchi Gori, who reassures fans with the promise that he's going to "make Fiorentina great again."
6. Cristiano Ronaldo publicly concedes Messi's superiority and apologizes for his shameful failure to acknowledge it previously. He doesn't take down the statue of himself outside of his museum, but does reduce, um, certain protrusions.
7. Wracked by guilt, Luciano Moggi confesses that Juventus did indeed earn at least two Scudetti during Calciopoli, and offers to personally pick out the stitching for those 2 stars on every Juve shirt in Italy.
8. Juan Manuel Vargas, Adrian Mutu, and Ronaldinho get together for Carnival in Rio de Janeiro. They spend the entirety of their time there reading to school children, driving the elderly to museums and sites of cultural significance, and are all in bed by 9:30 every night, sober as judges and happy with the positive impact they've made on so many lives.
9. The rumors prove half-true, as Borja Valero decides to leave his beloved Florence and accept a role as captain and manager of Poggibonsi.