It’s been about a month and a half since we learned about the
Fiorentina’s mascot design competition, and we’ve all been waiting with bated breath. Go ahead and exhale now, because the club has released the designs (you can vote on that page if you have an InViola card) and they’re uh really something. I’ve screenshotted each one from the page so we can gaze upon them at a leisurely pace. Let’s work our way through, shall we?
1. Look deeply into my eyes and tell me you don’t feel seduced by my ashen gray fur and obvious anabolic steroid use.
2. It’s fine until you realize that the tail is a sad flamingo.
3. “Why do I look this way? I’m not supposed to look like this, am I? I really don’t think I’m supposed to look like this.”
4. When you’re embarrassed about who you are and not high enough to hide it.
5. So many questions, but none more pressing than, “Why is the child lion not wearing pants?”
6. The main character in the 4,302,304th most popular child’s book on Amazon.
7. For the record, an orange soul patch is not a good idea. Heck, orange anything with purple probably isn’t a good idea.
8. Okay, who rubbed a balloon over his head right before the photo shoot?
10. Are we going for pirate or are we going for Instagram influencer?
11. Even the lioness is deeply unimpressed.
12. Imagine how much better this chipper neckbeard would be with a big ol’ belly on him.
13. No, I didn’t star in a 1990s children’s cartoon pilot that resulted in a flurry of cease-and-desist lawsuits. Nope, definitely not me. Nope.
14. I’m not sure why this one unsettles me so much, but it does.
15. Why are you the way that you are?
16. You’re not even trying anymore, are you?
17. His head’s an airplane and his tail isn’t attached to him, so I won’t say anything mean.
18. Yep, playing it cool like a totally normal lion who isn’t on the verge of a panic attack at all.
19. The Ancient Ones speak through me. I am but a weak vessel, an empty husk for them. Feel the burden of my dead, dead gaze and know the eternal screaming.
20. Oh f*** off.
I am utterly incapable of doing better than any of these.