Heaving a sigh and joining in the Marvel theme week

All across SB Nation this week, blogs have been churning out content based on Marvel’s Avengers. I have no idea why or how this came to be. I’ve tried to avoid it. But I’m out of things to write about right now, so I’m going to jump on the tail end of the bandwagon. Here you go: Fiorentina players as Marvel heroes.

Iron Man: Gaetano Castrovilli is quick-thinking, charismatic, and has a trick up his sleeve for pretty much every situation. And that’s without mentioning the perfectly sculpted, slightly nonsensical facial hair.

Captain America: Germán Pezzella, obviously. Both he and Steve Rogers somehow take their earnestness and make it inspiring rather than cheesy.

Hulk: We never really know when Dušan Vlahović is going to completely take over a game, and it seems like he doesn’t either. But then, out of nowhere, he takes over the game for a bit. Can’t wait until we get to Endgame and have a Professor Hulk version.

Thor:

Black Widow: Martín Cáceres is the world’s greatest spy, having spent time at Juventus before joining the Viola. Just like Natalia Romanoff, he knows how to turn into whatever the situation demands.

Hawkeye: Pietro Terracciano doesn’t really have any powers, but he holds the entire squad together. Now swap Clint Barton into that sentence and tell me it reads differently at all.

War Machine: Milan Badelj this year is just like Rhodie this year, in that when you see him all you say is, “Oh yeah, Don Cheadle’s in this.

Ant-Man: Riccardo Sottil has a little bit of the Paul Rudd look to him, but more importantly, he’s got Scott Lang’s sense of mischief and ability to come up big at unexpected moments. And unlike a lot of Marvel films, he’s fun.

Captain Marvel: Alfred Duncan is the late arrival who makes everything work. Okay, so maybe it’s a bit aspirational, but let us have this.

Nebula: Federico Ceccherini was often considered the villain at the start of his tenure after some rough performances, but he’s matured into a key, if usually background, member of the team.

Vision: Christian Kouamé, just like Vision, has been rebuilt from a previous, lesser version of himself into something absolutely terrifying. Also, we still don’t know what exactly his powers are.

Wong: Pol Lirola has a little magic in him. He’s also never the first name you think of but somehow he always ends up doing his job perfectly.

Rocket: Dalbert is a little bit unreliable, a little bit roguish, and lots of fun. Plus you have to give maybe the fastest player in the side the name Rocket.

Groot: Nikola Milenković is Groot.

Thanos: Igor wears purple and has truly enormous thighs. He’s a lot nicer than the Mad Titan, though.

Dr. Strange: If anyone on this team can create portals to appear and disappear at the most unexpected times, it’s Marco Benassi.

Black Panther: Bartłomiej Drągowski has the quickness and regal bearing as well as the lengthy exile and eventual return to his kingdom.

Spider-Man: A kid who’s famous locally but maybe not as ready to take on universe-threatening villains who’s always smart and funny and cute and beloved by his teammates? Yeah, that’s Lorenzo Venuti all the way.

Scarlet Witch: Does anyone know what Juan Agudelo’s powers actually are?

Falcon: Erick Pulgar is quietly excellent in support and could probably use a slightly different role, but he’s so solid that he can get away with it.

Bucky Barnes: Patrick Cutrone overcame a career working for the forces of evil (or at least of AC Milan) to become a beloved and essential member of the team.

Loki: Franck Ribery is undeniably the trickster god of Florence.

I know there are some absences here, but I can’t help it that Igor snapped his fingers and now they’re gone. Goodbye.