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BatiGol Weekly 254: Purple haze

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In which we discuss nothing that has anything to do with today’s date, man. Get off our case, okay?

Berner Presents Hippie Hill
Acting funny but I don’t know why.
Photo by Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images

For absolutely no reason whatsoever, here’s a brief list of things that are definitely going to happen for Fiorentina in the next 12 months that are absolutely not seen through any kind of violet-colored haze nope nah man no not at all.

  • Federico Chiesa will sign a 9-year extension with a €98 bajillion buyout clause that will actually force certain Turin-based outlets from explaining that he’s actually moments away from signing for Newcastle Junior. Those episodes are completely forgotten as he wins six consecutive Balons d’Or in Florence.
  • Gaetano Castrovilli takes the 10 shirt and, just as we’d suspected, reveals himself to be the second coming of Giancarlo Antognoni. The only difference is that Tanino’s knees hold up throughout his career, which ends with a scudetto-winning season and an immediate move to a role within the Viola hierarchy.
  • Presented with the deepest, most talented, and (most of all) most forward-thinking squad he’s ever worked with, Giuseppe Iachini suddenly turns into the lovechild of Pep Guardiola, Zdeněk Zeman, and Jürgen Klopp (you genuinely don’t want to think too hard about this) and puts together an attacking plan that highlights the skills of Chiesa, Castrovilli, Dušan Vlahović, Christian Kouamé, Patrick Cutrone, Riccardo Sottil, Franck Ribery, Gabriele Gori, Lorenzo Chiesa, and literally every other exciting attacker on the roster. He doesn’t take off his ball cap at the Nobel Prize for Absolute F***ing Genius ceremony and mumbles, “Uh, thanks,” before bolting off the stage to watch film of his next opponent.
  • An intrepid team of forensic journalists uncovers definitive proof of Real Madrid’s payments to referee Leo Horn in the 1957 Champions League final. In the face of overwhelming evidence, UEFA has no choice but to award the trophy to Fiorentina; as everyone knows, the Viola would have won the match at a canter without Horn’s interference.
  • Rocco Commisso reveals that, surprise, he bought every single share of Amazon stock at the IPO in 1997 and has decided to cash in. Rocco pledges every cent of the internet retailer’s profits to Viola coffers, with the added bonus of putting Pyat Pree cosplayer Jeff Bezos out of business.
  • Nikola Milenković and Igor deliver an inch-perfect Dudley Drop on C*******o R*****o. In a game. And get cheered for the heroes they are rather than for any tick-tack foul they may have committed.
  • Uh, we forgot the rest. Hesanka and slakas, we’re going to need yall to fill in the rest while we, uh, go take a breath of fresh air outside.

Latest news

Apparently Fiorentina tried to buy Torino star Andrea Belotti this January. More than anything, that speaks volumes about the club’s newfound ambition.

In a rare bit of positive news, Christian Kouamé says he’s ready to go. As people much younger than I am are wont to say, “Leeessgooooooooo.”

Speaking of the youths, we here at VNHQ heard that podcasts are cool. If you want to hear ours, well, here you go.

And because you can’t have a slow new cycle without reports of Federico Chiesa leaving Fiorentina, we’ve got your regularly scheduled update on this story that just won’t die.

Must read

Nolan KB is a dang legend and put together Fiorentina’s best-ever South American XI. You can try to argue, but you’ll be wrong, so you shouldn’t.

If you’re looking for a slightly more whimsical XI, try on the Florentine Renaissance lineup for size. Definitely more room for discussion on this one.

Alternatively, if you like a healthy dose of sadness with your hypothetical Viola teams, check out our What-If XI. Pro tip: formulate excuses for weeping before your roommates hear you.

We asked you how Serie A ought to finish this absolutely bizarre season and you answered. Sounds like playing all the matches on short rest is the best option out of three deeply uninspiring options.

Poll

Purple bong?

This poll is closed

  • 18%
    Purple bong.
    (3 votes)
  • 12%
    ...purple bong?
    (2 votes)
  • 56%
    Purple bong!
    (9 votes)
  • 12%
    This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.
    (2 votes)
16 votes total Vote Now

Comment of the week(ish)

While the rest of us try to reason out how to finish this Serie A season in a safe and equitable manner, m.atthew has already figured it out. For a team that employs units such as Milenković, Igor, Pezzella, and Vlahović, we can wholeheartedly endorse this one.

That’s it for this week, folks. Stay home.