clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Friday Poll: What’s the best holiday gift in the Fiorentina store?

New, comments

Your official Viola merchandise supplier rarely disappoints.

ACF Fiorentina v Empoli FC - Serie A
This is at a Fiorentina game and not a Flaming Lips concert.
Photo by Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

As we find ourselves firmly lodged in the craziness of the winter holiday season, I get to write one of my favorite annual articles. The official Fiorentina store is a magical place full of some genuinely weird stuff and everyone needs to know about it. Without further ado, here are some of my favorite items.

Fiorentina Slip Fantasy

Look like they’d just about conceal your thunder.
Fiorentina Store

The solid purple and striped versions look like your normal briefs, but something about these just cracks me up. Maybe it’s the design that only a very close inspection would determine is actually a bunch of tiny fleurs de lis. I think the bigger issue, though, is that they’re called the Fiorentina Slip Fantasy. That’s just an amazing name for undergarments. And at just €8.90, they’re actually not a bad value.

Fiorentina 100% Viola Bib

There’s also the comedy of “100% Viola” on white cotton.
Fiorentina Store

I don’t have kids and thus couldn’t tell you whether €14 is good value for a bib. What I can tell you is that it looks way too small for me to wear. As someone who has to launder his shirts way too often because, at 32 years of age, I still haven’t quite figured out how to eat, I’m quite disappointed.

Fiorentina Violet Gloves

Wouldn’t these be completely pointless if they got wet?
Fiorentina Store

I am far from a fashionable dresser, but these actually look pretty nice to me. The little white tips for the thumb, index finger, and middle finger are a bit strange, but the colors are nice and wait just a goddamn minute. Assuming that this is a matching pair of gloves, why does the right one have the Fiorentina badge and the left one just has a stretched out lily? Does the idea of bilateral asymmetry not give everyone else the chills? Is this some sort of anti-sinistral agenda? The Leftorium didn’t die for this.

Fiorentina Alarm Clock

For when you need to wake up in time to watch Fiorentina YeYe and see if that whippersnapper Antognoni is ready for the first team.
Fiorentina Store

I bust on this alarm clock every year because it looks like it was made in the 1950s, but it’s started to grow on me to the point where, every December, I gaze upon it like an old friend, even when it pops up in the For Her section of the site (huh?). While you an argue that an alarm clock, which tears you from the pleasantness of sleep much like the Viola tear you from the pleasantness of the weekend, is maybe too appropriate, I don’t think very many people use alarm clocks in a world where cell phones probably outnumber people. This year, though, Fiorentina Alarm Clock isn’t even the goofiest entry in its own division, because there’s also the...

Fiorentina Football Alarm Clock

I love it.
Fiorentina Store

I can ignore that it looks like a toy you’d get in a McDonald’s Happy Meal (for €25, it’s probably pretty well made). I can forget that it’s a soccer ball that’s also an alarm clock, which is something you might get a 9-year-old. I can move past the colored panels on the ball being a little too light to be real Fiorentina purple. But the description knocks me down and doesn’t let me back up: “Quartz analogic clock with a beep-beep ring.” The phrase “beep-beep ring” is as perfect a set of three syllables as you will find in the English language and whoever wrote that copy deserves an Oscar.

Fiorentina Pencil

That is a perfectly sharpened pencil. Well done.
Fiorentina Store

I’m actually very glad that the club offers a variety of writing implements. I like using pen or pencil and paper when possible and I like feeling that my team will support my crotchety old man behaviors. But when you’re charging €3 for a pencil (a f***ing pencil), well, you’ve lost me for good. That’s it for me. I finished.

Poll

Which of these is the best gift?

This poll is closed

  • 43%
    Fiorentina Slip Fantasy
    (18 votes)
  • 12%
    Fiorentina 100% Viola Bib
    (5 votes)
  • 12%
    Fiorentina Violet Gloves
    (5 votes)
  • 9%
    Fiorentina Alarm Clock
    (4 votes)
  • 14%
    Fiorentina Football Alarm Clock
    (6 votes)
  • 7%
    Fiorentina Pencil
    (3 votes)
41 votes total Vote Now

Here’s your weekend thread for whatever’s on your mind. Stay loose.