As we find ourselves firmly lodged in the craziness of the winter holiday season, I get to write one of my favorite annual articles. The official Fiorentina store is a magical place full of some genuinely weird stuff and everyone needs to know about it. Without further ado, here are some of my favorite items.
The solid purple and striped versions look like your normal briefs, but something about these just cracks me up. Maybe it’s the design that only a very close inspection would determine is actually a bunch of tiny fleurs de lis. I think the bigger issue, though, is that they’re called the Fiorentina Slip Fantasy. That’s just an amazing name for undergarments. And at just €8.90, they’re actually not a bad value.
I don’t have kids and thus couldn’t tell you whether €14 is good value for a bib. What I can tell you is that it looks way too small for me to wear. As someone who has to launder his shirts way too often because, at 32 years of age, I still haven’t quite figured out how to eat, I’m quite disappointed.
I am far from a fashionable dresser, but these actually look pretty nice to me. The little white tips for the thumb, index finger, and middle finger are a bit strange, but the colors are nice and wait just a goddamn minute. Assuming that this is a matching pair of gloves, why does the right one have the Fiorentina badge and the left one just has a stretched out lily? Does the idea of bilateral asymmetry not give everyone else the chills? Is this some sort of anti-sinistral agenda? The Leftorium didn’t die for this.
I bust on this alarm clock every year because it looks like it was made in the 1950s, but it’s started to grow on me to the point where, every December, I gaze upon it like an old friend, even when it pops up in the For Her section of the site (huh?). While you an argue that an alarm clock, which tears you from the pleasantness of sleep much like the Viola tear you from the pleasantness of the weekend, is maybe too appropriate, I don’t think very many people use alarm clocks in a world where cell phones probably outnumber people. This year, though, Fiorentina Alarm Clock isn’t even the goofiest entry in its own division, because there’s also the...
I can ignore that it looks like a toy you’d get in a McDonald’s Happy Meal (for €25, it’s probably pretty well made). I can forget that it’s a soccer ball that’s also an alarm clock, which is something you might get a 9-year-old. I can move past the colored panels on the ball being a little too light to be real Fiorentina purple. But the description knocks me down and doesn’t let me back up: “Quartz analogic clock with a beep-beep ring.” The phrase “beep-beep ring” is as perfect a set of three syllables as you will find in the English language and whoever wrote that copy deserves an Oscar.
I’m actually very glad that the club offers a variety of writing implements. I like using pen or pencil and paper when possible and I like feeling that my team will support my crotchety old man behaviors. But when you’re charging €3 for a pencil (a f***ing pencil), well, you’ve lost me for good. That’s it for me. I finished.
Which of these is the best gift?
This poll is closed
Fiorentina Slip Fantasy
Fiorentina 100% Viola Bib
Fiorentina Violet Gloves
Fiorentina Alarm Clock
Fiorentina Football Alarm Clock
Here’s your weekend thread for whatever’s on your mind. Stay loose.