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BatiGol Weekly 231: Nobody’s fault but mine

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In which we understand causation and correlation very, very well.

I got a monkey on my back, back, back...nobody’s fault but mine.
Photo by Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

Back when I lived two time zones to the east, it was feasible to consider a Viola game to be an early lunch sort of thing, complete with a beer or two. Now it’s exclusively a breakfast affair. The only part of my routine that’s stayed constant across the distance is the wardrobe: I always wear a Fiorentina shirt while I watch on my couch, even though there isn’t anybody there to see me. No matter what, one of the cotton long-sleeved 1955 replica or the Adrian Mutu bootleg that I got for €8 in 2009 or the really bad Gabriel Batistuta bootleg I got on my honeymoon last year or the official Davide Astori jersey will be on my back when I sit down in front of the screen.

Of late, though, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. No matter which shirt I wear while Fiorentina is watching, the result seems to be underwhelming at best (at least in Serie A, because LOLROMA). There’s only one conclusion that I, a rational and intelligent human being, can draw from this. And that conclusion is that I am cursing Fiorentina with my shirt choice.

It’s obviously not intentional. It’s just tough to know which of these jerseys will assure a Viola victory. You’d think that, with a one in four chance, that I’d get it right more often, but there’s some other force at work here. Therefore, I’m turning to you, gentle readers, for assistance.

What do I need to do differently? Should I get myself a 4-sided die and let fortune choose the shirt? Should I get hexagrammatical and study the I Ching? Should I consult the flight of the sacred geese? Should I begin the blood ritual? Should I add a scarf to the ensemble?

You need to drop everything and put all your resources towards figuring this out, because it is of critical importance if we want Fiorentina to win the Coppa Italia and qualify for the Europa League and ascend to the glorious heights we want. Nothing is more important to this team’s success. Brain trust, get on it.

Latest news

If you had to pick one Fiorentina player to get wrapped up in a sex video scandal, of course it would be Cyril Théréau. And he dragged poor Lafont into it as well.

Fiorentina managed a heroic draw against Napoli on Saturday, mostly thanks to Alban Lafont. Reread our full match coverage here, including our interview with Marek Salanski of the Siren’s Song.

That draw, though, came at great cost, as Germán Pezzella and Kevin Mirallas are going to miss a substantial chunk of time due to injuries sustained in the clash.

Must read

We took a deep dive on Hamed Junior Traorè and how the former/current Empoli midfielder stacks up against his counterparts in the Viola midfield.

Speaking of deep dives, we finally resurfaced after spending a couple of months compiling Fiorentina’s greatest-ever XI as voted on by you, the readers. It’s a lot of fun.

We also caught up with the players on loan in Serie A and Serie B. They’re mostly doing quite well, which is encouraging.

Poll

Alternatively, perhaps some sort of occult ritual is in order to ensure that my clothing isn’t cursed. What do you recommend?

This poll is closed

  • 28%
    Gently shaking Borja Valero’s cue ball head until an answer wells up from the depths.
    (10 votes)
  • 25%
    More votive candles with Federico Chiesa’s face on them.
    (9 votes)
  • 8%
    Pile the shirts in the center of the room. Do the Juan Cuadrado dance around them 7 times.
    (3 votes)
  • 34%
    Look in the mirror and say "Octavio" three times, then ask the spirit that appears to fix it.
    (12 votes)
  • 2%
    Burn them all and start from scratch.
    (1 vote)
35 votes total Vote Now

Comment of the week

Mike-R always knows just what to say to new arrivals to our little corner of the world wide web.

That’s it for this week, folks. Eat less salt; it’s good for your blood pressure.