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BatiGol Weekly 246: Measuring cups

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In which we discuss sorting, in the Harriest Pottiest sense of the word.

Harry Potter The Exhibition in Lisbon
Come to the front of the class and we’ll measure your brain.
Photo by Horacio Villalobos#Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images

We’re perhaps a bit late on this, but with so many new faces in the squad, it’s time for everyone to line up in the Great Hall and be sorted (for those who aren’t initiated, it’s a Harry Potter reference). Inspired by the always-brilliant Unusual Efforts (seriously, go read their stuff right now), we’ve decided to sort the Viola squad into Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and Slytherins.

The houses

Gryffindor: The house of the eponymous Mr. Potter, as well as the Weasleys, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Albus Dumbledore, Rubeus Hagrid, Sirius Black, and pretty much every other major character in the series. Gryffindors are best known for their courage, daring, honor, and determination. Their emblem is the lion.

Ravenclaw: Distinguished alums include Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang. Ravenclaws are clever, quick-thinking, witty, and often just a little bit out there. Their emblem is the raven, duh.

Hufflepuff: Cedric Diggory, Nymphadora Tonks, and Newt Scamander are among the notable members. Hufflepuffs are known for their loyalty, hard work, patience, and inclusivity. Their emblem is a badger.

Slytherin: While often vilified as the house for bad people—think the Malfoys, Severus Snape, and Volemort himself—Slytherins value cunning, ambition, and a willingness to close ranks against outsiders, which aren’t negatives by any stretch. Their emblem is the serpent.


Without further ado, then, here are the results of the sorting.

Gryffindor

Ranieri: Anybody who’s that good at sliding challenges in the area (he’s good for at least one per appearance) is someone who fears nothing. Sometimes a bit rash—high boots and handballs—his heart is undeniably in the right place.

Dalbert: The Brazilian’s fearless, straight-ahead-at-all-costs, non-stop running approach, combined with his fearlessness in calling out racist abuse at Atalanta, demonstrate the sort of courage you associate with this house.

Castrovilli: Fearless dribbling at bigger, meaner opponents and relying on your natural ability to see you through feels very Gryffindor.

Żurkowski: We don’t have a whole lot to go on with Szymon, so we’re throwing him here until we have a better bead on his personality.

Montiel: When you’re that tiny and that imperious when playing with men 15 years your senior, taking the game to your opponents without a second thought, that means your a Gryffindor for sure.

Sottil: See what we wrote for Montiel right up there? Yeah, doubling down on it. Also, with the dark hair and bright blue eyes, he could easily dress up as a handsomer version of Harry Potter for Halloween.

Chiesa: Courage and determination? Yeah, that’s pretty much Fede to a T.

Ravenclaw

Terracciano: Another guy who we don’t really have a read on, but his ability to pop out of nowhere, perform pretty well, and then vanish again seems eccentric enough to drop him here.

Milenković: Quiet. Undemonstrative. Always observing. Our Nihola is definitely a Ravenclaw.

Rasmussen: A long-term illness has kept him out of the team’s plans. Or so he says. Maybe he’s figuring out what uses a clever mind can put a blast-ended scroot to.

Terzić: Another one who’s here because of a strange career path; we can only assume the reason he didn’t live up to the early hype at Crvena zvezda was that he was immersed in obscure arcane texts.

Dabo: Where else could you put the squad’s preeminent renaissance man? Not only is he probably the most interesting guy in the team to chat with about any topic, he’s also thoughtful, well-read, and accomplished in various other fields besides football. That many diverse interests can only send him to one house.

Benassi: Eccentric? On the pitch, that’s our Marco for sure. Off the pitch, honestly, he may be more of a ‘Puff, but his enigmatic nature when he’s between the white lines means he couldn’t be anything but a ‘Claw.

Ghezzal: Much like Terzić, he didn’t really put it together at his last club, and we suspect (without any proof whatsoever) that it’s because he was working a different line of inquiry.

Boateng: Just like Perestroika, he’s got too much going on his life to be anywhere but Ravenclaw. The wardrobe, the career defined by wanderlust, and the occasional genius on the field mean he’s right where he needs to be.

Montella: Cagey as they come, the mister doesn’t suffer fools lightly, preferring to take as a baseline that everyone’s at least fairly bright; that he’s frequently disappointed—see his previous departure from Fiorentina after the Della Valles nixed his demands—doesn’t really figure into the end result here.

Barone: Beneath that endlessly affable exterior, there’s a mind like a steel trap. You know that as he’s shaking hands and smiling at everyone, he’s taking mental notes of every single little detail around him and storing it for later.

Hufflepuff

Pezzella: You want your captain to be a Hufflepuff, and Pezze’s there for sure. He works hard, stands up for his mates, and has those listening eyes that say you can tell him whatever you need to.

Ceccherini: Cecche’s tricky. The sartorial choices say Ravenclaw, but the commitment to his partner and his team (more than half of his posts on Instagram are Viola-related) just barely swing the balance ‘Puffward.

Lirola: Also difficult to place. His willingness to toil in the background, both on lesser-known teams and as a reserve, eventually convinced me that he’s a Hufflepuff.

Venuti: Hardworking, beloved by his teammates, and never not smiling when he’s off the pitch. Lollo’s about as perfect a Hufflepuff as you can find and we love him so much for it.

Badelj: Perhaps the only rival to Venuti for the Platonic ideal of a Hufflepuff. The guy whose genius is doing all the little, unglamorous things so his teammates can shine is what this house is all about. His loyalty to Fiorentina seals the deal.

Eysseric: His game is all about facilitating others, which feels like the sort of selflessness you’d expect from a Hufflepuff.

Pedro: Okay, so this one’s a bit of stretch, but he does look good in yellow, which is the house’s color.

Vlahovic: Yet another tricky call. In a few years, when his style of play has caught up to his physique, he may well end up as a Slytherin. But for now, he’s an affable giant, and that can only mean one thing.

Commisso: Coming from humble beginnings and grinding his way into Columbia and a media empire, Rocco could be a Gryffindor until you realize how much he cares about the entire program—he watched 3 Viola losses in the past 3 days and had nothing but wonderful things to say about the teams—and his obvious loyalty to his people, both within the organization and throughout the city.

Slytherin

Drągowski: Bart’s got some fire in him that could push him towards Gryffindor, but his willingness to do whatever it takes to keep goals out, no matter the cost, feels a bit more Slytheriny.

Cáceres: You don’t earn 97 caps for Uruguay as a defender if you haven’t mastered the dark arts.

Pulgar: Almost made him a Gryffindor for his willingness to throw himself around, but he’s got just enough of an edge to him that I think he belongs here. Also displays a fierce loyalty to his people.

Cristoforo: Next.

Ribery: Delights in tormenting opponents and isn’t afraid to cross some lines if he feels the need. If it wasn’t clear before his extracurricular activities yesterday, it sure is now.

Duncan: He’s ambitious, willing to make the unpopular choice in order to move his career along, and is more than willing to engage in some shithousery. Yeah, he’s a perfect Slytherin.

Pradè: Yeah, he may seem polite and pulled together at all times, but a DS who isn’t scheming at all times is no DS at all.

The Whomping Willow

Théréau: Ugh.


These rankings are final and definitive. Thank you and goodbye.

Latest news

The Viola aren’t always great about keeping young players on the books, so we’re thrilled that Lorenzo Venuti has signed a lengthy contract extension.

Fiorentina went to Brescia and left with a scoreless draw. Read our full coverage of the proceedings here.

Fiorentina also hosted Lazio and came away with a loss, largely due to some monumentally bad refereeing. Check here if you want to live through that again. But really, don’t do that.

Perhaps spurred on by his faultless display last week, Daniele Pradè and company are back to working on a deal for Brescia star Sandro Tonali.

Franck Ribery did a stupid and now he’s suspended for the next 3 matches. You’d expect a 36-year-old to know better than to lose his head, but yikes.

No time to mope, though, since the Viola get a rare midweek match against Sassuolo. Here is the preview; the rest of the match coverage will emerge when, well, the match is on.

Must read

Viola Nation interviewed Alia $@i%#ing Guagni, which is the most surreal thing I’ve ever typed into this here internet.

The result wasn’t what anyone with half a heart wanted, but Fiorentina Women’s did everything they could in the Supercoppa against Newcastle Junior.

Poll

Taking the team as a whole, which house does Fiorentina belong in?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    Gryffindor
    (3 votes)
  • 40%
    Ravenclaw
    (9 votes)
  • 40%
    Hufflepuff
    (9 votes)
  • 4%
    Slytherin
    (1 vote)
22 votes total Vote Now

Comment of the week(ish)

Mike-R just did a Mike-R on this one. Never change, Mike-R.

That’s it for this week, folks. Read a book before bed instead of scrolling through your phone.