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BatiGol Weekly 228: Merry Christmas from the family

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In which we discuss alarm clocks, underwear, and genuinely scary children.

ACF Fiorentina v AC Chievo Verona - Serie A
Make margaritas when the egg nog’s gone.
Photo by Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

It may be a little bit late to finish your shopping, but just in case you’ve still got someone on your list who needs that certain Viola je ne sais quoi, we’ve got you covered with this handy gift guide from the official Fiorentina store.

1. Underwear

Let’s go ahead and get this one out of the way: there are a lot of different Fiorentina underwears you could buy. Our pick, though, is the one that has far and away the most enticing name: the Fiorentina Slip Fantasy. No, it’s nothing about Steven Gerrard joining Fiorentina and losing the Scudetto by falling on an invisible tripwire and gifting an opponent a comically easy goal. Rather, it’s a pair of white briefs with a purple fleur-de-lis motif and a grey waistband that has the club’s name inscribed on it. Seductive. Unfortunately, there aren’t any women’s underwears as far as I can tell, so plan accordingly.

2. Mini umbrella

Sadly, this seems to be a regular-sized umbrella that’s designed to cover one person, rather than a Wile E. Coyote parasol. Still, it’s pretty good.

3. Sunglasses

Perfect for Ibiza or Coachella. Rumor has it that Cyril Théréau wears a pair to bed every night. And come on, everyone wants to be more like Cyril. Also of mild concern: these shades are named the Fiorentina Yellow Lents Sunglasses. Maybe it’s just a translation error; after all, everyone knows that the color of Lent is, in fact, purple. But maybe this it’s a clue. Maybe there’s some sort of hidden meaning spiraling down through history. Somebody get Nic Cage on the phone, stat.

4. Magnetic corkscrew

Look, it’s definitely a good idea. A corkscrew that you can stick on your refrigerator to make sure you never lose it. As someone who has a genuine gift for misplacing these damn things, I’m all for it. But there’s a little bit much going on with the Fiorentina Bottle Screw Magnet. First of all, that’s just a funny combination of four words. It sounds like a very bad algorithm designed to mimic human conversation is trying to chat with you. But why is it shaped like a wine bottle? Why not just give it the usual canoe-ish shape of a regular bottle opener? Truly, there are some mysteries we are never meant to solve.

5. Alarm clock

Unfortunately, we can’t really recommend this one. Sure, it looks cool as hell, but it’s the model that the team uses to wake themselves up for matches; as we’ve seen any number of times this year, they frequently oversleep and show up in a somnambulant state for games.

6. Dishwasher sticker

Maybe it’s because I haven’t lived in a place with a dishwasher in years, but the idea of putting the Fiorentina White Dishwasher Sticker on an appliance seems a bit iffy to me. There’s no way that’s going to remain unstained for more than, like, 9 seconds if your kitchen is anything like mine. On the other hand, featuring the Uffizi, the Ponte Vecchio, Santa Croce, David, and the Duomo in silhouette is pretty sweet.

7. Kids’ sweatpants

I’ve got some really big, thick legs on me, vestiges of my days playing American football and rugby and spending too much time in the weight room. However, as a child, my pegs were about as spindly as the next urchin. So it is with concern that I present to you the Fiorentina Violet Presentation Pants 2016/17 - Kids. I’m not sure that it’s appropriate to present your child’s frighteningly hypertrophied leg muscles to anyone, much less the world at large. I mean, look at that kid’s calves: they’re probably bigger than my thighs. There’s something fishy about it all, but I’m way too scared to find out in case children with overdeveloped leg muscles appear and kick the snot out of me.

So there you go. Late shopping options for everyone (or hopefully no one) on your list. You’re welcome, and happy holidays.

Latest news

Pantaleo Corvino emerged from his lair to explicitly deny the rumors that Fiorentina are making a play for Feyenoord defender Jerry St. Juste, but we’re always skeptical of the Crow’s statements.

Fiorentina got their first road win of the year at the San Siro against AC Milan and it was okay, thank you very much. Here’s our full coverage, including our interview with AC Milan Offside boss and general righteous dude Pete Schlenker.

It’s official: Maxi Olivera has joined Club Olimpia of Paraguay on loan with an option to buy.

We think Manolo Gabbiadini is a fun player, but we don’t really see how the Southampton outcast would fit in Florence.

Must read

Giovanni Simeone shushed the fans at the Artemio Franchi after scoring against Empoli last week, causing a minor furor. We strongly recommend that everyone untwist their britches, though, since it’s not really a big deal.

Comment of the week

Succinct, sincere, and just a little bit salty: angga.fajar pretty well summed up the feeling around Viola Nation right now.

Poll

Which of those gift options are you hoping to find under your tree?

This poll is closed

  • 25%
    1. Fiorentina Fantasy Slip
    (5 votes)
  • 5%
    2. Mini Umbrella
    (1 vote)
  • 10%
    3. Fiorentina Yellow Lents Sunglasses
    (2 votes)
  • 25%
    4. Fiorentina Bottle Screw Magnet
    (5 votes)
  • 15%
    5. Alarm Clock
    (3 votes)
  • 20%
    6. Fiorentina White Dishwasher Sticker
    (4 votes)
  • 0%
    7. Fiorentina Violet Presentation Pants 2016/2017 - Kids
    (0 votes)
20 votes total Vote Now

That’s it for this week, folks. Remember, Santa like milk and cookies, but he’s also a big fan of whiskey and salami.