A brief list of things more likely than a Jovetić return

As occurs every time the mercato is open, there’s some dunderhead who claims that Fiorentina is working on a return for former talisman Stevan Jovetić. Now 27 years old, the Montenegrin striker has spent the better part of a decade unsuccessfully looking for playing time, first with Manchester City and now with Inter Milan. He’s scored 20 goals since leaving Florence, and everyone thinks that he just needs a familiar setting to explode back into production. But his €4 million wage, Inter’s obvious unwillingness to send him to a Serie A “rival,” and what sounds like a complete disinterest in a purple homecoming give that theory the lie, not that it stops the journalists from pushing the same old sound and fury.

To honor that, we’ve decided to list out some eventualities which we consider more likely than a JoJo return.

1. Pantaleo Corvino hijacks the Neymar-to-PSG deal with a combination of classic misdirection and dark magic, then loans the new attacker to Real Madrid for the year with a buyout clause of €10 million. When asked why he didn’t keep the player in Florence for even a single match, he responds, “We only want players who want to be here.”

2. Having returned Fiorentina to the 4-2-3-1 and led them to a surprising 4th-place finish, Stefano Pioli rips off his mask and reveals himself to actually be Cesare Prandelli.

3. A tourist in Antwerp captures definitive photographic evidence that positively proves the existence of Octavio for once and for all.

4. The DVs decide, “Ah, screw it,” and sell every player on the team. The starting lineup for the season-opening match consists of 11 Pallas’s cats, and you should punch that into Google and YouTube right now because they’re Very Good Kitties.

5. Jovetić picks up Adem Ljajić from Joliet. After donning their suits and sunglasses, they visit the Stadio Artemio Franchi where they grew up, only to learn that it’s going to be shut down. They drive all over Europe in an old Crown Vic, telling Juan Cuadrado, Matija Nastasić, Marcos Alonso, Lorenzo de Silvestri, and Valon Behrami that they’re getting the band back together. Together, they navigate neo-Nazis, angry country musicians, an encounter with Siniša Mihajlović and a rocket launcher in a sewer, and an all-out pursuit with the Carabinieri to deliver joy back to Florence.

6. The Della Valles announce the sale of Fiorentina to a mysterious group of investors who go by Viola Nation, LLC. Hijinks, and eventually a syndicated television show, ensue.

7. We all finally wake up and realize that this offseason was just a dream lol jk it’s real and everything sucks