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BatiGol Weekly 86: True stories, vol. 2

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In which we discuss things that are definitely, objectively, and in no way alternatively true.

FC Crotone v ACF Fiorentina - Serie A
Born under punches, crosseyed and painless.
Photo by Maurizio Lagana/Getty Images

It’s been awhile since we ran the first episode of this particular template in BatiGol Weekly (a bit under a year, in fact), so we’ll go ahead and reacquaint you with it. As usual, the impetus is the typical Fiorentina late-season doldrums in which we’ve all become trapped. As the team plays truly insipid football, we can’t even summon the will to care about dramatic last-minute heroics from the Slender Man of Croatia.

Why is this? Well, a lot of it has to do with the boredom, both in the stands and—if the product on the field is any indication—in the dressing room as well. Paulo Sousa is a lame duck coach, which means a lot of the players aren’t listening to him as closely as they might. Captain Gonzalo Rodríguez is also almost certain to leave on a Bosman at season’s end. European qualification is only the remotest possibility.

So, the ever-intrepid VN staff has again made their way into the heart of the Fiorentina squad to ask what it would take to re-energize the players, and thus the fans. Without further ado, here are the answers we received.

Cristian Tello: "Have we tried running really, really fast in a straight line and not really doing anything else well, or even at all? I’ve had wonderful results with that."

Josip Iličić: "Let me run down my Sadness Checklist. Let’s see. My charming smile is in full effect. I’ve still got my utterly baffling predilection for wearing number 72. The shooting and passing and running thing is where it’s always been, so that’s not a problem. Oh, you know what I bet it is? I don’t have a horrifying haircut right now. Man, I need to call Jasmin Kurtić up again."

Federico Chiesa: "My parents say I shouldn’t talk to strangers."

Khouma Babacar: "Uh, getting to play every once in awhile would probably help. I still really love Florence and want to stay here, though!"

Ciprian Tătăruşanu: "Man, I was at South by Southwest in 2003, back before it was, like, this huge corporate event, right, and I saw Explosions in the Sky at the Mercury back before it closed, which is a shame because it was such a great venue, you know, and they’d just been opening for Fugazi and you could kind of tell they were really glad to be playing a much more intimate space again, and I think their set list for that show really says it all: The Only Moment We Were Alone; First Breath After Coma; With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept; Have You Passed Through This Night?; and Memorial. Now South by is just a bunch of sellouts."

Carlos Salcedo: "SMAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHH."

Paulo Sousa: "It’s the turtleneck. It’s definitely the turtleneck. WHERE THE HELL IS THE TURTLENECK?"

Our efforts to track down the rest of the squad were in vain, as they proved a bit too elusive for us this time around. But, armed with this wealth of information, Fiorentina should be able to pull itself out of the apathetic nosedive in which it’s currently locked.

Latest news

Someone tried to sneak a Juventus scarf into a picture with Federico Bernardeschi. You better come stronger, son.

Fiorentina have officially agreed to terms for young Partizan defender Nikola Milenkovic. The deal will be signed on the first day of the summer transfer window. And holy cow, he is enormous.

The Viola managed another stylish, assured win over second-last Crotone that totally didn’t have us shrieking curses to god and man until Nikola Kalinić came to the rescue.

Must read

With the U21 World Cup rapidly approaching, Fiorentina has two possible representatives for Italy. Any guesses?

Before we get too carried away with the predictions, though, we’ve got 12 Viola players leaving on international duty this week.

Comment of the week

I can’t stop laughing/shuddering at this glance into a parallel reality hellscape that baelfire provided us with. Bonus points to davih for a superb rejoinder.

That’s it for this week, folks. Don’t throw up.