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BatiGol Weekly 55: Deformative

BGW is back and ready to talk about serious stuff, as usual.

Brace for impact in 3, 2, 1...
Brace for impact in 3, 2, 1...
Pier Marco Tacca/Getty Images

The life of a crash test dummy is probably sort of cool sometimes, but ultimately is pretty unpleasant. On the one hand, you get acquainted with velocity, with objects in the mirror approaching as quickly as they appear, with the terrified and savage joy that comes with hitting something very solid while going very fast. On the down side, there's hitting something very solid while going very fast.

As you may or may not have guessed, I spent all morning watching slow motion videos of crash test dummies because the internet's very existence results in illogical behaviors. Anyways, it eventually struck me that the life of a crash test dummy is, in one particular way, vastly superior to that of a Fiorentina fan. The key difference, of course, is repetition. Your dummy of the crash test variety only has to slam into the wall once, and then can retire to a peaceful life of sipping daiquiris by the pool in western Florida. The dummy of the Viola variety, however, is cursed with knowledge, both of consequence and time.

What this means, dear reader, is that, as fans, we can see our purple test car zipping duly along, pointed right at the wall, and know that nobody's going to seize the wheel or pump the brakes. We know that we're allowing our raised expectations to slam us into a laboratory-developed pillar, and there's nothing we can do about. And, even worse, it's all in the protracted rate of the transfer market, which is about three thousand frames per second slowed down to the speed of Grampa Abe Simpson chasing a turtle. And unlike our crash test dummy brethren, we know. It's. Going. To. Happen. Again. It's some surplus or wantaway being sold for a surprisingly high fee; alternately, it's a marquee signing or cagey move for a useful player. Then, right as we've got ourselves feeling good about it, right as we decide, "Yeah, we can totally swerve out of the way of that wall and break to a safe stop," well, the thing happens again.


Comment of the week

QS has a good idea of how the mercato works for us types and, as always, we appreciate the wisdom he imparts.

Editor's note: Sorry for going off the air this past week. Viola Nation headquarters were besieged by sloths, and we had our hands full fighting them off. Normal programming should be back now that we've triumphed over our wily opponents.