When I was 7, my my parents took me to see Jumanji. Since we didn't watch a lot of movies at home, much less in the theater, this was a big deal for me. Even better, they bought me popcorn and what was in retrospect a soda that was entirely too large. Since we weren't allowed to drink sodas, this was shaping up as a red-letter day for the Tito. But, um, any of yall ever seen Jumanji? It's effing terrifying for a kid who never watched scary movies. I was not prepared. Between the soft drink that was roughly the volume of my small body and the sheer terror of the rhinoceroses coming through the wall, I peed myself. After the slow horror of what had happened crept over me, I slipped past everyone (of course we were in the middle of the row) and went to the restroom, where I tried to dry everything off, then returned to the theater to watch the remaining half hour of the movie. This is possibly the most embarrassing experience of my life.
And so when I say that I know a thing or two about humiliation, believe me. I am telling the truth. So when I say that Fiorentina should be embarrassed right now, perhaps someone ought to tell the Della Valles. Heck, the performance this past week in Turin doesn't even crack the top five reasons to be more embarrassed of Fiorentina than a teenager in the mall with their parents. Don't believe us? Read this top five reasons to be ashamed of your team and try to argue.
1. Vorwerk Folletto? Seriously? A vacuum cleaner manufacturer that sounds like the villain's paper company in a Bond movie? Come on, Andrea Rogg.
2. Does Paulo Sousa even care about retaining his title as the most elegant manager in Serie A? Because with this polo-shirt-and-khakis look, he's just one small step from wearing Teva sandals and socks like any other suburban dad.
3. How is Federico Bernardeschi supposed to perform when he looks like a freaking toilet scrubber: thin and with unspeakable atrocities at the fuzzy end? Josip Ilicic, conversely, almost looks like a normal human being, which is almost as off-putting.
4. It just doesn't feel right to watch the Viola and not see some sort of horror tackle. Where's Facundo Roncaglia trying to amputate opposing forwards at the ankle? And no, we're not allowed to reattach any loose feet to Ciprian Tatarusanu.
5. The Nun is sad. You never let down a nun.
So no matter how bad it gets on the field, don't worry. Because it's way worse off the field.
The first event in a crazy week was Fiorentina buying Croatian leftback Hrvoje Milic.
The next signing was Sebastien de Maio.
To balance to all the arrivals, you've got to have some departures. And when one of those departures is Mario Gomez, we're pretty happy.
Pantaleo Corvino added to the Fiorentinavic ranks with teenage striker Josip Maganjic.
Next, household appliance company Vorwerk Folletto signed on as the main sponsor. Cue vacuum-themed jokes about something sucking.
Finally, Corvino added yet another defender with Mexican international Carlos Salcedo in a move that pretty much nobody expected.
Comment of the week
We were all thinking it, but Mike-R said it. Succinctly.