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BatiGol Weekly 53: Fuel to the satire fire

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Surprise, suckers! Lorenzo is back in the saddle for the birthday of his BGW brainchild, and he's probably going to smack me for using that much alliteration. So, without further ado, I give you Lorenzo the Magnificent.

Guess who's excited that Lorenzo's back.
Guess who's excited that Lorenzo's back.
Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

Hello again, all. It has been far too long, my cherished purple feetball needers. Graduate school is all-consuming, and although I still rolled my butt out of bed for those early Fiorentina kick offs, my written absence on this blog has taken a toll on you all as well it seems. Mike has maimed himself. Chloe has joined a Big Lebowski fan club (and they say Millenials are nostalgic) … and I come back to the BGW and what do I see our glorious chief lampooner saying?

“Y’all may have noticed that one of the themes I tend to stick to in these is the importance of maintaining an even keel as a fan (well, that and dumb, esoteric knowledge and painfully dorky jokes)” — The Tito, BGW July 4th 2016

Nation, I rarely call into question another blogger’s First Amendment Rights. I am a staunch supporter of all of our amendments, even the 82nd (“no person shall, unless expressly permitted by the comments section, voice confidence or optimism before facing a relegation threatened team in a losing streak”). But Tito has clearly misunderstood the purpose of this here newsletter honoring Our Lord and Savior Gabriel Batistuta.

Never can I ever be accused of being “level headed” or of attempting to “even” my “keel,” as our infamous Texan has so crudely and nautically phrased it. Nor would I ever mock the reality show of the summer or think any of this isn’t super duper important. After all, I’m the guy who reminded us how gloating is a thing, and I have absolutely no second thoughts at all about that. I know Huw equally understands my complete lack of regrets. (Spurs fans, huh Huw? They’re something else.)

Anyways, all this to say. I love Tito. I love him like a father. I would kiss him square on the lips, briefly, awkwardly, like one does to a father. But this place needs a little more of the irrational panic, wild generalizing, and baseless paranoia that I used to cultivate so carefully. It is so much more in keeping with the political climate, for starters. And heck, BGW was founded on FEARING CHANGE.

So. In that vein. And with only a month - WAIT WHAT A FREAKING MONTH - before the season kicks off, here are some panic talking points for you all.

- Paulo Sousa is a hack/genius who can do only/no wrong

- Our squad is composed of aging tippy tappers and raw foreign youngsters. Fat Ninja has lost his touch and it’s all for profit.

- Rossi is going to win the Balon d’Or, I mean, how could he not, after demolishing those n00bs at Moena

Fiorentina is run by lizard people who use their own skin for shoes. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. Exclamation point. One. Exclamation point.

via GIPHY

I hope now that I have righted the ship, found the North Star for you, and distributed oranges to the crew in the interest of preventing of scurvy, I hope that BatiGol Weekly is safely back on its voyage to the end of the world, where it will fall off, as the Great Lizard Della Valle prophesied.

And I hope that, in true BGW tradition, no one finds this funny.

Wait wait one more thing how are not all the comments about us potentially signing a Beek, Dik, and a Dragon? That’s a fantasy franchise waiting to happen! Or a porn. Not sure which.

Latest news

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Comment of the week

No need to abridge this wolfpack. “Or else” is entirely warranted in this case.

And, just like that, Lorenzo vanished back through the mirror of Shakespearean theater and Harry Potter Puppet Pals. But if you say his name three times backwards while looking into a mirror and wearing a 1993 Fiorentina jersey, he will return.