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BatiGol Weekly 38: True stories, volume 1

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Andrew Della Valle gestures at those damn Cecchi Goris to get off his lawn.
Andrew Della Valle gestures at those damn Cecchi Goris to get off his lawn.
Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

Well, we're not going to sugarcoat it: things aren't all that great right now. Fiorentina's results over the past month-plus are all Ls and Ds, leading to the club slipping out of a Champions League spot and into a late season funk that's simultaneously alarming the fans and stifling our ability to even care. Not good, Herbie Hancock-type funk. More like if the New Kids on the Block reunited as a funk band, because you know you should be horrified but can't even summon the energy.

So what would get everyone fired up again? The Viola Nation team has done some typically dogged investigative work, conducting totally real and not even remotely made up interviews with some key Fiorentina players and staffers to figure it out.

Borja Valero: "I'm reminded of the José Saramago book Ensaio sobre a cegueira, which got abbreviated to Blindness in the English translation. You remember, of course, that the onset of the epidemic of the 'white sickness' is never explained, but causes a complete breakdown across all levels of society; I think this is analogous to our own condition as a team, insomuch as we do not understand the root cause, but can only experience the effects of our sudden loss of form. But remember that, even as the survivors began to rebuild their shattered world to fit their new and limited circumstances, the epidemic was lifted again as suddenly and inexplicably as it arrived. We must therefore wait, now that we are held in these unnatural circumstances, and try not to engage in our darker natures, but rather remain pragmatically hopeful."

Federico Bernardeschi: "I believe that a renewed focus on the basics of the tonsorial arts is key to regaining the momentum we had earlier in the season. With fearless use of shears, scissors, and some wood glue as hair product, we can really get together and make a push for the Champions League places. Except for Borja, because he's so bald that he's beyond helping."

Facundo Roncaglia: "MEEEEAAAAATTTT."

Khouma Babacar: "No, I'm not interested in moving to the Premier League. Still not interested. Still love Florence and Fiorentina and have no plans to leave any time soon. I just signed a pretty nice contract extension, remember? Like, that happened not even a year ago. I'm so freaking sick of this... oh, sorry. I'm so used to fielding the one about interest from whatever English team someone has decided I'm supposed to move to. What was the question again?"

Paulo Sousa: "Is it the turtleneck? It can't be the turtleneck, can it? I love this turtleneck. It's like having a collar that stays popped all the time no matter what and you don't even have to starch it. And it's just firm enough that it feels like a thunder blanket for my neck. Oh my god, what if it's the turtleneck? This is the worst day ever."

Andrea della Valle: "Who are you and what are you doing in my house? Get out before I call the carabinieri. Jeez. Normally when someone sneaks in here, it's just Vittorio Cecchi Gori going through the fridge and rearranging all my vegetables into ugly logos. I really need to get Diego to change the locks on this place."

We tried to get hold of some of the other players, but they turned out to be too elusive for us to catch up with. We'll continue to try and track them down, so let us know which of our Viola stars you'd like us to do entirely real interviews of unimpeachable veracity with next.

via GIPHY

Latest news

Fiorentina and Sampdoria played to a draw and GUUUUH CAN WE FINALLY WIN ONE? Full coverage here.

Here is yet another instance of Babacar committing his future to Fiorentina.

Vincenzo Montella gave a candid interview about the end of his Fiorentina tenure. We've collected the highlights here.

Must read

With two months until the transfer market opens, the stove is starting to heat up. Here is where you can catch up.

And speaking of catching up, here are our reports on the Viola players out on loan.

Comment of the week

All hail Mike-R, king of the trolls.

That'll do it for BGW this week. Hang in there, folks. It's bound to get better in a fiery derby against Empoli, right? RIGHT?