This is not the best week to be a Fiorentina fan, and we have the list to prove it. In no particular order, here's why.
1. Fiorentina can't score. Whether it's the ghosts who've possessed Nikola Kalinic's body and turned the once-prolific striker into a sadder version of Edinson Cavani or Cristian Tello forgetting how to do all the things or Paulo Sousa making a conscious decision that goals are the sort of boring thing that only mainstream losers do, the Viola are scoring at a Mihajlovician rate. It's like having eleven Mario Gomezes on the pitch at once.
2. The football is boring. Watching three centerbacks pass the ball across the defense for twenty minute stretches is as soporific as the dulcet tones of Yanni.
3. Management hasn't fixed anything in years. Remember when Fiorentina had a decent rightback? Nope. Remember when Fiorentina had a left winger? RIP Manuel Vargas. Remember when Fiorentina had a goalkeeper who didn't induce night terrors with the ball at his feet? Trick question: he never existed.
3. Paulo Sousa hasn't worn the turtleneck in forever. This is the problem nobody's talking about. Wake up, sheeple.
4. My nun, my nun, why have you forsaken me? While it may be nun of our business, our reverend mother's absence has left us alone and cold in this empty world.
5. Federico Bernardeschi isn't a wingback. This one's pretty self-explanatory. Also, AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH STOP PLAYING FEDE AS A WINGBACK.
6. Players trying to force their way out. Really, Milan Badelj? Really?
7. Who the heck plays a 3-4-2-1, anyways? That's not a real formation. That's just a random configuration of four positive integers, and we will not be fooled by all of your fancy math and tactics and pointing out the obvious.
8. Where's the hair? Fiorentina has a long history of tonsorial excellence. From Tomas Ujfalusi's flowing locks to Sebastien Frey's Wolverine impression to Juan Vargas and his undercut to Alberto Gilardino and his central parting to the Stevan Jovetic mane to the Adem Ljajic mop to that Alberto Aquilani bob, we've always seen some good hair above those purple jerseys. Since the demise of Berna's spiny echidna look, the best we have is Kalinic's Flock of Seagulls roadie cut.
9. Hrvoje Milic. Look, I'm sure he's a perfectly nice bloke, but good heavens is he hopeless outside the Croatian league.
10. Cats. Fiorentina doesn't seem to have any cats around. Anywhere. Heck, even Liverpool can get a cat to show up when necessary. This is a problem.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but rather a good place to get started. But hey, no matter how bad it gets here, at least we're not Inter Milan fans. I mean, yikes.
The hot stove of the transfer market is heating up, and we couldn't be more irritated because it's October, yall. It's October.
Distinguished Viola alumnus Adrian Mutu (or Andrei Murgu to his friends) is the new DG at Dinamo Bucharest, which we're sure won't end in tears and recriminations.
Berna did something cool for Italy. And we have video evidence.
If you want to relive the excitement of the international break, here you go. But seriously, maybe you just take a nap or something.
Here's our weekly check-in with those Viola who are temporarily playing the outer darkness that isn't Florence.
Comment of the week
Let's hear it for slakes, who remains as terse yet eloquent as ever.
That's it for this week, folks. Trips to Slovan Liberec and Cagliari await us this week. Surely nothing unspeakably awful could happen in those places. Surely.