BatiGol Weekly Ed 5: Fiorentina directors offer fans new grass, no one gets high

Nation, it's no secret that Fiorentina just aren't very good at public relations. We aren't sure at the moment if the Della Valles have simply neglected to hire a public relations team, or if said public relations team are a group of particularly skittish sea urchins (suspected sea urchins could not be reached for comment).

So it really should come as no surprise that the first thing that Viola head honchos do after the bizarre and embarrassing Milinkovic-Savic debacle is to unveil an amazing new signing: new grass for the playing surface at the Artemio Franchi.

Seriously. In a 13 minute video on the official site, Fiorentina directors and even the *expletive deleted* mayor of Florence sit around and talk about how awesome the new grass is. At only €50,000 total expense for the Viola after subsidies, it's way cheaper than a new player, and just as exciting an addition.

Vista su Facebook, sono piegato in due #Fiorentina pic.twitter.com/dwYJX4r7Uz

— Stefano Rossi (@StefanoRossi_) July 27, 2015

One understands why the new grass has been added now, with Barcelona arriving to play in Florence in less than a week's time.

The stadium needs to look great with the illustrious Champions of Europe arriving, and since few fans and an incomplete roster await them, it made sense to make sure that there was at least a lovely green carpet unrolled to welcome the fancy Catalan superstars.

Some of the Viola bosses - again showcasing their exceptional PR acumen - took the opportunity to implore more Florentines to by tickets for the game at the lawn presentation, a move that leads me to wonder if the Fiorentina staff were very badly advised by our shadowy and incompetent PR urchins. This is how I see the conversation going:

Viola Directors: Ok, we need something good to tell people and we need it FAST, what with the meltdown that Serbian kid had after seeing Cognini's real face. What can we do PR sea urchins?

PR Sea Urchin 1: Maybe we... should give people something they like? People like things that they like?

PR Sea Urchin 2: Um. I like weed. It gets me high. And it helps me with my anxiety so I can, like, talk to people.

Viola Directors: We like weed too. But cannabis is super expensive on the scale to distribute to a whole city.

Prade: ... We could try to sign another player?

Viola Directors: OH MY GOD SHUT UP PRADE! Always with the "long term strategizing" and "players" and "this is actually a football club." We want creative, 21st century solutions! (they continue to mutter "idiot" "know it all" "silver haired ninja")

PR Sea Urchin 1: I bet if we just tell people we got some new grass, then maybe people will think we bought weed?

Viola Directors: Perfect! Call the mayor, he's probably not doing anything.

And to be fair to the Fiorentina management, a drug distribution scandal would have been a great distraction, and a perfect way to round out the ludicrous summer we've been enjoying so far. Actually, maybe we have all just been high this whole time.

Borja Valero is right there with us at least. The thoughtful midfield maestro has looked less like his pensive self off the field this summer, and more like he has tried my friend Jay's "special lemonade" in photos from the team's trip to the United States.

Compañeros ✌ ️ @acffiorentina #ritiro2015 #Moena pic.twitter.com/emkzH9kpS6

— Fede Bernardeschi (@officialfb29) July 10, 2015

Share the lemonade Borja. We need it.

THE LATEST

In an upset that may delay any signing that is not grass, we beat Benfica on Friday. Check out the match report here.

One-time Viola wonderkid and now Aquilani-esque British injury flop Stevan Jovetic is off to Inter. Well, we all know he will play at least one game and score at least one goal, then.

Mario Gomez remains very close to a move to The Island of Misfit Toys Turkey, with Besiktas waiting for an answer from the big German.

RECOMMENDED

In addition to looking comically high in a lot of recent pictures, Borja has gotten some really serious shade from his wife because of his beard.

Good beer and even better clothing decisions were present in abundance at the Fiorentina game in New Jersey. I remembered to take some pictures, and also got a video of Giuseppe Rossi scoring from the spot.

COMMENT OF THE WEEK

There was a lot - like, a lot - of amazing work in the comments this week. I have been blown away by the community's participation in and bonding over the summer transfer window from hell. But this on-the-fly photoshopping from Catalogue was a work of genius, teasing the Fox Sports announcers for their pronunciation of Milan Badelj's last name: